Dark themes.



The moon is full tonight and the wolfself knows it. I feel it in my bones.

Soon I will go the library and lock myself into the cage. Wait for the change. Then when I wake up in the morning, in a human skin once more, I'll pretend that I don't remember a thing. As I always do.

In the early days it wasn't all a lie. I truly couldn't control myself - watching helplessly as my body, the wolf, attacked the people I knew and cared about. But I pretended to know nothing. I wanted to know nothing.

They believed me, of course. This face can say anything it likes.

It's too late to tell them now. What's more, I don't want to tell them. They'd think all their problems were solved. A tame werewolf.

But it's not like that. You see, when I've changed tonight, I'll rip their throats out if I can. I won't, because I'll be in the cage. But I want to.

Is that the wolfself speaking, you ask? No. That's me. That's Oz.

I've read the literature. Everything there is. There isn't a Watcher alive who knows more than I do. So I know it's not supposed to be like this. The wolf only comes into play for the three nights the moon is fullest. You don't walk around the rest of the month eyeing your friends' jugulars.

Well - I do.

You can't imagine what it's like. I'll be kissing Willow and suddenly I imagine biting down and tasting blood. Xander will be babbling on, as usual, while I chew tasteless cafeteria food and wonder if he'll scream as much as he talks when I rip his arm away. And Buffy - what a challenge. Slayer meat.

I'll be watching and thinking red thoughts all day long, and no one ever suspects a thing. It's this face. This voice. Could anyone possibly believe that this was the face of a killer?

I don't actually do it, of course. But if I had the wolf body and the wolfself urging me on, you can imagine the carnage that would follow. And I would enjoy it.

Oh, I could explain it all away later. The demon did it. I don't remember anything once the change happens. Look at me. You know I would never want to hurt you.

But I'd prefer it didn't have to come down to that. So. I'm going to lock myself in now.

Tonight is full moon.


October 1999

[Rowan's fanfiction]